Funeral Directors Catalogue Item #2

May 14, 2008
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Underwater Cemetary


50 Things to do in a Elevator

May 14, 2008
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  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you, just shut UP!”
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
  5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  7. Shave.
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours upside-down.
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. (more…)

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Funeral Directors Catalogue Item #1

May 12, 2008
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Tombstones with Bar Codes.

 


Have you heard the one about the African American, the White woman, and the Old Man running for President…

May 12, 2008
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Seriously, the 2008 presidential race is turning out to be a joke.

It’s goin to be even funner when they announce their running mates.

I have a feeling Ole Joe (Lieberman) threw his hat in the ring for McCain today. 

Anybody else get the sinking feeling that this is just some bad joke, waiting for the other shoe to drop?  I am so not looking forward to the next few months of “this paid political ad was brought to you by supporters of Obama/OJ.Simpson for office.”

The sad part is being against Obama is nothing racial.  If it was Condelezza Rice, Colon Powell, Tiger Woods, or Bill Crosby, they would probably get my vote.  It is about issues, and the fact that I don’t want a president whose name rhymes with Osama.  Can you just imagine all the bad songs that are going to be written about that in the next four years if he gets president.  I mean, how many times can you rhyme Obama with Yo’Mama without sounding lame. 

The first African American President.  The First Woman President.  The Oldest President Elected.  Shoot, we ought to elect Michael Jackson, he fits all three descriptions.

Seriously, if we are so concerned about electing someone unique, let’s try to find one that has some experiance in the oil industry and maybe he can do something about gas prices.  Oh wait….  too late.  We’ve already tried that one. 


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MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME . . .

May 11, 2008
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25 things my Mother taught me.

1.    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
       “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2.    My mother taught me RELIGION.
       “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3.    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
       “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4.    My mother taught me LOGIC.
       “Because I said so, that’s why.”

5.    My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
       “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
      
6.    My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
       “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
      
7.    My mother taught me IRONY.
       “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8.    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
       “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9.    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
       “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA.
       “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
       “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12.  My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
       “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13.  My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
       “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

(more…)


Posted in Humor

Sweet Old Couple

May 11, 2008
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Posted in Humor

One of those days #5

May 9, 2008
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Reverend Fun #5

May 9, 2008
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Posted in Reverend Fun

One of those days #4

May 8, 2008
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How dumb is he?

May 8, 2008
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,”Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”


Posted in Jokes
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